Un americano en Manchester

I?m in Manchester, visiting my mother again.  I really wish someone would write In The Garlic UK.  Having lived in Barcelona for 35 years (as my friends and acquaintances are probably sick of hearing), it?s the UK that?s strange to me.

I feel at a total tongue-tied loss when I enter a shop or bank, for example: my first instinct is to shout a general greeting. I open my mouth, close it, mumble something like ?hiya morning? and join the shuffling, eyes-averted line. If I had to sort out anything bureaucratic here, I wouldn?t have the foggiest idea where to start. This time it was the coffee that got me. In Tesco?s cafe, I ordered a capuccino for Mum, and an americano for myself. For me, un americano is a black coffee that is bigger and more watered down than un caf? solo. ?Medium?? asks the counter person (is that the word?). Yes, please. Both of them? Yes. Four pounds twenty-five, please. What??? I am astonished to be handed what to me is a soup bowl of black coffee, ditto capuccino. Is this the medium one? I ask, thinking there?s been a mistake. Yes, luv. Then what?s large? He shows me a salad bowl. And is there a small one? Yes. He shows me a cup the size of our caf? con leche. The worst thing is, it tastes foul. The one UK thing I am still correctly wired to do, though, is drive on the left. When I get behind the wheel of Mum?s beat-up old Fiesta, I feel as if I?ve never been away. Valerie Collins is co-author, with Theresa O?Shea, of In The Garlic: Your Informative, Fun Guide to Spain.